The tragedy of trying too hard to please

“The girl would assume whatever manner was expected of her as though it was what she herself wanted to do, not only with her family but with anyone she wanted to please. When they wanted her to laugh, she would laugh. When they wanted her to remain silent, she remained silent. When talkativeness was desired, she chatted merrily. With a person who considered himself intelligent, she would act a little stupid … And with stupid people, she would make a show of appreciating their simplicity.

Probably because she wanted so desperately to be liked by far too many people, she had to squander a frightening amount of mental energy every day. Before she realized it, she had become antisocial, reading books in her room all day, avoiding contact with others.

“Why don’t you go out with your friends?” her mother would ask, to which she would answer simply: “I get so tired …””

(From: The Smile of a Mountain Witch, Oba Minako, translated by Mizuta Noriko)

I used to be that girl, trying to be all things to all people (except for the laughing and chatting, which I could never fake – and the reading, which I would have done regardless of what others did).

My old thinking was:

If I please them, maybe they will like me more, and criticize me less.

If I please them, maybe I can finally gain their love and approval.

If I please them, maybe they will accept me and I will belong.

That’s not who I am now — and that’s why the girl’s story made my heart ache.

The current me embodies these truths daily:

I love and like myself.

I am loved and loveable.

I enjoy my own company – a lot.

I value my way of thinking and feeling.

I enjoy the company of others – selectively.

I don’t need to contort myself to please or fit in.

I can appreciate external validation without needing it.

I put my time and energy into what nourishes and recharges me.

Happy World Introverts Day!

P.S. What do you no longer do just to please others? (I don’t mean the little acts of kindness we do for those we love)